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The Canadian Nuclear FAQ  

by Dr. Jeremy Whitlock


Published in the September 2014 issue of the Canadian Nuclear Society Bulletin, Vol.35, No.3.

A Nucleus by Any Other Name

by Jeremy Whitlock

Why hello Nuclear Power. Imagine seeing you here, on the streets of Vancouver!

You must be mistaken...

Oh I don't think so! That self-conscious shuffle, that uncertain contenance, the pasty-white skin... your hood and sunglasses don't fool me for a second!

Uh, I couldn't be this Nuclear Power you're thinking of, sir, not in a Nuclear Free City like Vancouver...

You must be at the Pacific Basin Nuclear Conference over at the Hyatt - I think I saw the bylaw enforcement SWAT team massing on the curb this morning, ready to move in... hee hee

Sir, I am ... uh... Green Power... see, I'm even wearing these here sandals...

With socks! Black socks at that. Give it up Nuke. How's the conference going anyway?

Well yes.. the... er... conference on ... advanced specialized green energy technology is going quite well. About 600 attendees from around the world, lots of exhibitors, lots of discussion ... about green energy.

Derived from..?

The atom.

Be more specific!

Deep down inside... sub-electron... safe and green...

I see, not the...?

Yes, the nacelle.

Pardon me?

Well, if the atom were a wind turbine, then our energy would come from the nacelle.

Nacelle power?

Yes. Nacelle power. Safe and green. Look it up - nacelle.

And so, over at the PBNC there are 600 attendees from the... nacelle industry talking about the future of nacelle power, such as...?

Small Modular Nacelle units, Generation IV nacelle technology, nacelle aging management, nacelle fuel design, nacelle thermalhydraulics, nacelle physics ... all safe and green, yup.

And tell me, with Vancouver being a Nuclear Free City, does that mean that the PET scanners here use...?

Nacelle isotopes, yup. That's all they use in the Nacelle Medicine departments in the hospitals in Vancouver. Nacelle isotopes only emit good feelings as they course throughout a patient's body, and doctors totally zone in on those good feelings. And the really, really positive feelings come from TRIUMPH over at UBC - they have accelerators there that wind up nacelle energy really tight and shine it in all directions, to make everyone happy and able to do amazing things like generate electricity with absolutely zero risk, and drive oil tankers and other freight ships through Burrard Inlet which are completely green and safe, as long as the nuclear powered U.S. Navy ships stay anchored outside of city limits because they have the evil of Satan in them.

Um, are you okay...?

It's been a long week. And it's just that those float planes in the harbour keep coming and going and coming...

Well cheer up - your week's almost over and it seems your "Nacelle" conference has flown under the radar of the Anti-Nuke Police. And what's more, I understand B.C. is the fusion capital of Canada these days so it's not all doom and gloom on the "N" word here.

Ahem, it's not fusion, it's "solar 2.0".

Gotcha. Bringing the power of the sun down to earth.

Safe and green.

And look, you shouldn't take this whole Nuclear Free thing personally. I mean, the province is practically 100% run on water power anyway - except for a wee little 1000 MW natural gas plant running Vancouver when the water's low.

Yikes, the irony makes my head hurt.

Well be off with you then, Mr. Green Energy of the Nacelle Industry. And don't forget to relax and partake in some of Vancouver's culture before you leave.

Safe and green all the way my friend.

Discussion welcome.

©2014 Jeremy Whitlock

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